Garbage is a nice way of putting it

So today, it's like a hangover mixed with pms. I'm gassy, bloated, and have raging heart burn. I'm blaming the lousy cookies. I know I get like this, I do. I know when I eat excessively bad I feel like garbage. And yet, it's barely enough to motivate me to stop. Kinda sad huh? Also today, tired as all heck, and cranky too. A few issues at work and a cranky customer didn't help matters at all. And a few drunk texts gave me a wake up at 1:30 am. Couldn't fall back asleep, so, that's really not helping. I'm gonna be at work forever and a half tonight. Gar... I added some chicken and an egg to breakfast, putting me at about 1000 cals for the day, provided I eat what I brought to work for lunch... I feel like such a pile of mushy, gelatenous, bloated unhappy, I don't know that I want to eat. I always hate bloogging like this. Makes me feel like some self indulgent teenager. Blah, Blah, Blah, whine, whine, whine. I don't mean to be like this... I'm just playing the self pitty I feel like ick game. Gah. Tomorrow, happier... Promise Cheers D

Apparently day one starts tomorrow

Dorian brought cookies. If he had bought a bag of chocolate, or chips, I could have resisted. But no, he brought Safeway cookies. Safeway cookies are amazing. Also, I read the ingredients on Margarine; soy lectin. Whatever that is. It's an additive, exactly what I want to avoid. So, eggs will be cooked with olive oil from now on. Blah.
It's harder to do it the second time around. I can say that much. Tempted, tempted, tempted. So, today, I gave in. M&M cookie. And those bruisers are not small. And they are generous on something cause the calorie count is insane. I mean, all cookies are bad, but 270 per? I think I've made bigger meals with less calories. I did go to the gym, so, yay. I have that to be happy about. Alright, let's be honest with what I ate today.

3 scrambled eggs (240)
1/2 tbs marg (45)
2.5 cups lettuce (25)
Dressing, (home made balsamic vinaigrette) (90)
4oz chicken (147) (breast no skin)
1 cup baby carrots (30)
1 cup cauliflower (25)
M&M cookie (270)
Chocolate Chip Cookie (270)
Double chocolate chip cookie (270) (Yup... I ate three, self control out the window)
chicken leg with thigh (232) (I bought two of those rotisserie chickens so I wouldn't have to cook when I got home for a few meals, and make chicken broth when I was done with them)
2 cups snap peas (70)
Olive oil (80)

Grand total: 1794
My bmr is approx 2000
Exercise approx -200
Which still gives me a total calorie deficit of -406 calories.

So, when I do the math... I feel slightly less bad about coming in under 2000 cals, but still feel like a tool for eating the cookies. The first one was because I was starving, the second one was because I gave into my lousy emotional eating (my mom, the bat-crap crazy one, used my phone number as her contact number... I think I'm justified in changing my number), and the third, well that one I just wanted. So, yeah tool.
If you can't tell... guess what I'm doing.. that's right, food journal! Woot (dripping with sarcasm). Ah well, I'm looking at this and feeling more than slightly embarrassed about my cookie debacle, and I just felt stupid this morning for not reading the label for the marg. All in all, I fail, with an added derp moment.
Tomorrow is another day. At the gym I did a good solid interval run/walk for 30 mins, and weights. Happy about that.

If all goes as predicted, and I have no opportunity to cheat,

2 scrambled eggs (145)
Olive oil (40)
3 cups lettuce (30)
chicken breast (147)
Dressing (90)
3 pickles (9)
2 cups baby carrots (60)
1 cup cauliflower (25)
4 hard boiled eggs (312)

= 852. Now I'm thinking I may want to pick up some nuts to make up for the calorie deficit. This honestly a pain in the tuck-us. I need to worry about intake no matter what I do. Too many and of the wrong thing = fat. To few no matter what it is = starvation mode = fat. Lord. Grrr. Okay, I'll grab some peanuts on the way into work... or the way home from work... or maybe I'll just worry about it sunday. Grumbles. HELP!

Love ya'll
Dee

back and rightfully scared of my scale

Hey all,
Well I'm back from my fantastic trip to Vancouver, and what a wonderful time I had, connecting with friends, family, and...food. I cheated... and how. I had the lofty goal of not being absolutely terrible on my trip. But alas, that didn't go so well. I had a few good meals. I opted for salad, veggies, and lean proteins where I could. But, there were a few extra starches here and there, some indulgences at Starbucks, soy chi lattes, and this amazing peanut butter chocolate pie. OMG worth it.
So now, I am taking a friend's advices (Steph's as usual - she's good at it) and I'm not going on the scale till next Friday. I'm going back on my protein and veggie plan hard, and I have the lofty goal of cutting soy and corn additives for the next 21 days. That pretty much eliminates 90% of what's in the grocery stores. No Kraft peanut butter for 21 days... that's for sure. It means no to a lot of things, and on my cheat days, it means fruit and home baking. I tried to do no processed foods, but then the debate became what counts as a processed food. I'd personally like to think whole wheat flour and coco (actual baker's coco) powder is not considered a processed food, but that could just be wishful thinking so I can make cookies on my cheat day. I personally think of processed foods as those "foods" with more additives in the ingredients list than real food, but Andrew argued grinding coco nibs is a process... ergo processed food. Please feel free to weigh in. I mean he's right, but, I'd personally like to be able to eat natural peanut butter and make cookies for Fridays.
So... day 1 of 21 starts tomorrow... No starting weight.. or measurements. It'll just have to be based on my last. Although I'll be on the scale next Friday... so that will be something to go on. I'm also gonna do a detox... see how that goes. I've never done one before, so we'll see how that goes.

I had a moment while reading a running mag... I've lost like 100lbs. My body must be so fecking happy. :)

Okay, so goals:
Water (I fell outta the habit) 8 glasses
No corn/soy additives.
No more grazing while making lunch/dinner. I'm bad for that.

Cheers All
D

feeling a little better...

Okay, so my devastating lack of substantial weight loss put into perspective... thanks to an encouraging boyfriend, and a few encouraging words from a friend, and some seperation from the numbers this morning has me realizing that a) if I get on the scale in a few days once my body's back to... no periodness... I will have probably dropped more weight. I just... I wanted to be 100lbs down when I came back home to van. That being said, I'm 97.5lbs down. So fuck yeah.

I've also made another goal for the next 21 days... mostly as an experiement just to see if it can be done. I'm going try to avoid corn products. So, corn syrup, high fructos corn syrup, fructose/glucose, dextros, monotextrin, I mean the list goes on and on and on. I'm also going to look up any additive I don't know. Sugar is hiding everywhere. Although... thinking about this... this goal starts April 8th... after my trip... quite frankly I want to be aware of what I'm eating... but I also want to enjoy myself.
I'm sure this will result in some weight loss, but it's not so much a weightloss goal as it is an experiment to see if it can be done... so much of our foods have some processing element involved in them. It's an experiment to what it actually is possible to eat, if one is trying to avoid it. I'm well aware things like pop are out, I don't really drink it anywyas. But, any one ever look at lables of butter, or margerine, or honey? Ever look at bread lables, beyond the wholeweat bit? Or even something as seemingly benign as worshtershire sauce, or even mustard (both of which are allowed on most diets.

anyways, feeling better now...
love you all
Dee

Alright, so... with my period.. yes I'm sharing because I'm tempted to believe that I've lost more weight than the scale is saying.. I'm 213lbs even. I want to believe that's more because that's only 4.5lbs gone in 21 days.

March 4:
Chest 44.5 (-1)
Arms 14 (-.25)
Thigh 26 (no change... grrr)
Calf 18 (no change... grrr)
Wast 39 (-2)
Hips 47 (-2)

Today Measurements
Chest 44 (-.5)
waste 38.25 (-.75)
hips 46 (-1)
thighs 25 (-1)
calf 17.25 (-.75)
arm 14 (-.25)

So... down 4.25 inches... and... at least 4.5 lbs okay, I know it's a loss, but I'm so not happy. And while.. okay, it's probably not the best thing to be jumping on the scale 2 times a day... not jumping on the scale once a day, just made me afraid to go on it today. So where's the happy medium. And fears justified.
screw it... going one ... in the morning... as I want... no more than once a day...

also... no diet goals this 21... I've been a little bummed out the last little while... over tired and counting down my days till vaca... (i fly out in 5 btw)... so... my goals for this 21 stretch are to do something kind for myself every day.
I read a book... "when you eat at the refrigerator pull up a chair" I recommend it to anyone who has feeling fat days. I am doing one thing out of her book every day. Maybe it will help recharge me.
grr
love you all
D

Feeling a little down the last couple of days

I don't know what it is really, but I've felt a little down the last couple of days. I wrote a list of all the things I want to fix in my life and it feels almost overwhelming... to be honest.
But I think I'm going to star with feeling inspired to do one kind thing for myself every day. But even that seems monumental because it takes time, and my biggest challenge is lack of time. But maybe the little time to be kind to myself will help me get motivated again. We'll see.

Cheers all
D

Good news... and .. Well I cheated too

So the good news.... I'm really not the big fan of chocolate anymore. Friday, cheat day, bought a little pack of minnie eggs, cause my god, walking into my store they've been driving me nuts. But... when I actually ate a few... too sweet, didn't even finish the little pack, my co-worker did. I was just in... take'em or leave'em mode. I've NEVER been like that with chocolate. I was a food hider when it came to chocolate. It's a bit of a shock... I gotta say.

And... Saturday, the day that wasn't my cheat day, was a shitty day. No energy, just blah feeling, and I got insulted by a customer (Wind customer accused me of being raciest and insulted my weight). So... I did it, I had a peanut butter cup (cause despite not being a huge chocoholic anymore, I still love pb) and 3 croissants. I gave into my emotional eating habit, and yesterday I was all like... I know what I'm doing, I know why I'm doing... and I'm not gonna feel bad about it. I didn't yesterday. Seeing it written down now I kinda do. On the one hand, I havn't given into my emotional eating habit in well over a month, prior. And I didn't delude myself in it. But, I could have just said no and done up some veggies in garlic and cheated with some butter. So... take it as you will, Saturday, I actually off scheduled cheated.

Today is a new day though. Bloody time change though, I swear I'm moving to Sask... wait... no... never mind that. But really this whole daylight savings time thing is just stupid. So, tired as crap, even forgot my ready to go tea on the counter this morning. I got through the day, no cravings to cheat. Bought a white tea from the Bux at Rexall, and went to Kingsways after work, and ignored a cinnabon... hmm the smell. Anyways. Today is a good day, for diets anyways.
I've also discovered my new favorite store. Teaopia. If anyone wants to get me a presant... gift cards. My god, I'm drinking so much tea lately it's hippie like. ... Or... I don't know do hippies drink tea? Its my new go to drink, and it's getting to be about three cups a day. And it's not all caffinated green or white tea, I found this wonderful herbal tea... hmm blackberry vanilla. Anyways, Teaopia has a ton of tea toys I'm saving for... I've decided, and I'm gonna try this Yerba mate stuff... supposed to be even more packed with everything good for than green tea.
Anyways
Salmon for dinner with some roated veg
don't have to get up early for work.
Life is pretty good.

Luv ya
D