So, I'm 2 glasses away from 8 today. And that will happen, cause I'm kinda dying right now :P (funny the more water I drink the more I want). I went the gym, but it felt somehow unsatisfying. I did 20 mins of interval work on the bike, and normally that's good. I feel good about it. But yesterday I did 20 mins of interval on the hell that is the elliptical, and felt like I really accomplished something since I end up burning and wanting die at 20 mins of steady work. So... yesterday I felt great. I kept to my diet, I even AVOIDED COOKIES again. So, stoked about that. Had a rough morning and everything, but I said to myself... "you're not ruining your diet for some fucking cookies." And I ate my carrots.
I had soft taccos tonight, but I kept the portions small, and loaded with veggies as opposed to fatty meats, and I kept two protines open and a starch, and I hadn't had my daries - so cheese was covered at least.
So, I feel like I've kept it in the acceptable range. I'm just... feeling bummed still. I'm still feeling the fat girl that I was is creeping back in.
I had a couple moments where I was squeezing... you know.. you grab a handful of gut and shudder at how much is there. I know there's way less than when I started. I know I've at least lost 12lbs since starting this blog... AND I kept it off over the Holidays.
And I know I'm doing good things for my body. So why is the fat girl, the 300lb I hate my body fat girl sneaking up in my thoughts that I'm trying to keep positive.
I had an epiphany in the shower. Maybe... maybe it's because I'm done settling. I've never been 230... well not since I was 10 and like 12 inches shorter (I'm guessing here fyi). I've never been anything under 280 for all of my fully developed teen to adult life. So maybe the reason I stopped pushing so hard... aside from life crapping on me repeadedly... is that I settled. I settled at 230. And maybe I need to re-realize that 230 is just not God Damed good enough. I lost 80lbs, I can loose another 50!
So its not good enough for me. If 230 was good enough then why the hell don't I just go back up there. It's NOT. I don't like the way I look... FINE! I'm doing something about it... Take that Fat girl...
I'm changing... my gut... not attractive... but it's gonna shrink, so no more looking in the mirror and hating it.
That's right Ladies and Gents... It's not good enough.
Day 5 and here's my pep talk... It's not good enough, it's not worth settling... I don't like it.. I'm gonna change it. And that fat girl on my shoulder... the one tell me how bad it is... Well she can just go fuck herself!
Cheers Loves!!
D
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